Tuesday 26 July 2016 by Gary Stanton

Pippa Middleton to marry Toilet Attendant on minimum wage


Toilet attendent, Pippa Middleton, engaged

Socialite Pippa Middleton has stunned friends with a sudden engagement to 51-year-old northern Toilet Attendant, Simon Williams.

The wealthy IT girl has wasted no time in moving into Williams’ one-bedroomed flat above a chippy in Levenshulme, which he shares with two children from a former marriage.

Former fiancée and hedge-fund manager, James Matthews, is known to be furious after losing out to a bloke who cleans the bogs at Manchester Piccadilly.

Pippa was said to be smitten after knocking into Simon’s ‘Caution Wet Floor’ sign as he was about to enter the Gents to fill up the Johnny machine.

Williams said, “Something just clicked, although on reflection it might have been my hip.”

Williams has now applied for a Team Leader position to keep Pippa living in the style to which she has become accustomed.

The father of two has pushed the boat out, with a swanky reception planned for Nando’s in Cheadle Heath.

Last night, Williams offered words of consolation for bitter love rival Matthews, who forked out a quarter of a million for a ring.

“Happen he were up ‘ere in t’bogs on Platform 3 the other day,” said Williams.

“Shook me hand, like, and said no hard feelings.

“But then dribbled his cock on’t floor and told me I’d missed a bit.”

Ms Middleton said, “Because of his job, Simon often comes home reeking of shit, but we love each other and that’s all that matters.”

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