Monday 25 July 2016 by Lucas Wilde

Terrifying nuclear nation allowed to take part in jumped-up sports day


Russia to take part in Olympics

Some reasonable people have worked out that the Olympics aren’t really important enough to get Russia feeling all fighty.

The Olympic Committee have taken a look at the consequences of an Olympics made more interesting by some drugs versus the wrath of a nuclear superpower run by a Bond villain.

“And we’ve concluded we’re better off with the former,” confirmed committee spokesperson, Simon Williams.

“A lot of people think the Olympics is very important to the world at large, and those people are morons. It’s just ridiculously fit people doing really impractical things for three weeks.

“So, yeah, there’s not really a whole lot of pride being lost if we let some jacked-up Russians join in the runny-jumpy fuckery.

“We’re not really up for upsetting Vladimir Putin either. Have you seen him? I bet he could kill an oak tree.”

A spokesperson for Russia said, “This is a good decision not only for the continued survival of the Olympic committee members, but also for the Olympics in general.

“Nobody wants to see a discus lobbed a ‘fairly long way’, they want to see it land on the fucking moon.

“You try doing that without a big box of drugs. It’s ruddy tricky.”

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