Monday 25 July 2016 by Lucas Wilde

Everyone married


Everyone married this weekend

Absolutely everyone got married over the weekend, according to reports.

A cosmic imbalance led to you and everybody else marching down to the nearest licensed wedding venue and tying the knot whether they really fancied it or not.

“I’m now married to Sylvia in accounts,” said a bemused Simon Williams.

“We’ve been for a couple of drinks to get to know each other, and of course, we’d had sex prior to that but now it’s the final week of July and we’ve somehow wound up being man and wife.

“Something’s gone very wrong, but divorce is apparently a massive ballache so I’ll ride it out and see how things go.”

Jay Cooper also got married at the weekend.

“We got married down by a river or some shit,” he shrugged.

“I had nothing to do with the planning but all the photos look lovely, which is nice I suppose.

“I was particularly surprised what with me being nine-years-old and stuff, but then everything’s a surprise when you’re a naïve child I guess, so this must happen every July.”

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