Friday 22 July 2016 by Lucas Wilde

“Well, exports are up!” screams Brexiter


Brexiter happy

Britain’s economic activity has sunk to its lowest level since 2009 but everything is still brilliant, apparently.

Borrowing is down to its lowest level since 2008 and the pound is in the toilet while manufacturing and service companies are all reporting the kind of profit numbers that Donald Trump could count to on one hand.

“But we’re selling more things to other countries so it’s all fine,” beamed Brexiter, Simon Williams.

“All of you whining Remainers really do need to get over it now, it’s not like any of this affects real people.

“I say that as someone who has absolutely no clue as to the ramifications on jobs in the private sector, pension funds or property values, but none of that is important.

“The important thing is, we’ve taken our country back. And that meaningless soundbite is worth far, far more than our economy.

“Yes it is! Now fuck off!”

EasyJet employee, Jay Cooper, said, “Well, we’ve lost £40m worth of value, which means we’re going to have to cut costs to make up for the shortfall.

“I don’t know if you’ve looked around an EasyJet plane but there isn’t a whole lot of fat to trim.

“But I’m assured this won’t affect me because I’m sure I’m one of the ‘real people’, so I’m certain it’s going to be fine.”

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