Friday 22 July 2016 by Neil Tollfree

Recipient of double hand transplant planning massive wank


Hand

The recipient of a ground-breaking new double hand transplant is said to be looking forward to a monumental bout of masturbation.

“It’s been three years,” said Simon Williams, who lost his hands in an industrial accident.

“I mean, I can’t fault the care I’ve had from the NHS but there’s only so much you can expect from an overworked Polish staff nurse whose been on shift for nine days straight.”

Mr King has already made plans for his ostentatious onanism.

“Yeah, Mr Chakrabarty from the corner shop has been brilliant and he’s put by every issue of Razzle from the past three years.

“I’ve also made sure BT have upgraded the internet, and Youporn have been working round the clock to produce a truly vast repository of pornography for me.”

The successful hand transplant has given hope to hundreds of other men and women who have lost hands who have suffered years or even decades of being unable to crack one out.

Mr King is also excited by the unique opportunity the transplant has given him.

“Well, I mean, technically these are someone else’s hands so…you know.”

It is understood that Hello magazine has secured the photographic rights to Mr King’s inaugural wank, and his issue is expected to feature in the September issue.

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