Friday 22 July 2016 by Davywavy

Oliver Twist sacked by Sports Direct after asking for more


Sports Direct

Photogenic orphan Oliver Twist has been sacked by Sports Direct after foolishly asking for more.

The plucky urchin is understood to have told his line supervisor that a bowl of watery gruel was insufficient recompense for his twelve-hour shift, and was immediately escorted from the premises by Simon Bumble, the town beadle.

Sports Direct deny the accusations, saying that when Twist raised his gruel related complaint he was immediately offered improved working conditions at the bottom of a dark, long, winding staircase without any bannister and a pay rise of cockroaches served up in a canister.

Sports Direct owner Mike Ashley defended his company to a committee of MP’s last month, telling them that ‘In this life, one thing counts, in the bank – large amounts’.

“I’m afraid these don’t grow on trees,” he explained.

“You have to pick a pocket or two – or the Chinese will do it,” he added.

However, he pledged to retain business consultant Bill Sykes, whose recent management book ‘Whip what you like’ was a bestseller, to perform a top-to-bottom review of the company.

Twist has since found employment with Fagin & Dodger, an estate agent and letting company based in East London.

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