Friday 22 July 2016 by Neil Tollfree

Donald Trump pledges to tackle trips, slips and falls in America


Donald Trump small hands

Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has pledged to create a safer America by tackling everyday trips, slips and falls.

“Under a Trump Presidency, I will make America safe again,” said Mr Trump in his Republican conference address, leading many to assume we would hear more of his usual confrontational rhetoric.

However, he went on to clarify his position by taking a strong health and safety position.

“The average American will slip, trip or fall at least once a day.

“This is a terrifying statistic, and Donald Trump today declares war on things like toys, shoes and those sort of little things that get everywhere and before you know it you’ve tripped over them.

“I intend to ban anything that can cause slips, trips and falls until our experts can figure out what the hell is going on.”

Mr Trump’s no holds barred attack on household safety found near unanimous favour at the conference.

“Goddamn,” said Larry Texas, a Texan from Texas.

“Finally, we got ourselves a boy whose gonna get to the heart of what eight years of pansy-ass liberals have done to this country.

“Tackling slips, trips and falls – Yee-hah!” Mr Texas then produced two six-guns and started firing wildly into the air whilst doing a little jig.

Mr Trump also promised to continue with his largely mental plans regarding banning 1.6 billion people and building a big wall.

Obviously.

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