Thursday 21 July 2016 by Neil Tollfree

Spain, Germany and Brazil shit themselves


Sam Allardyce England manager

Following news that Sam Allardyce is to be appointed England manager, it has been reported that the Spain, Germany, and Brazil national football teams have collectively soiled themselves in abject terror.

“It is our greatest nightmare,” said Sergio Ramos, a greasy foreign cheat.

“Until now, we have been lucky that no England manager has ever been able to truly unlock the mercurial world-conquering talents of Chris Smalling and Theo Walcott.

“But now there is this Sam Allardyce in charge, and we will soon have to go back to cringing in envy as the mighty England reclaim their natural place as the greatest football team on the planet.”

It is understood that Italy are looking into ways to pre-emptively lose on penalties against England in the next tournament as there is literally no point in even trying anymore.

Argentina has disbanded their national team and relinquished all claim on the Falkland Islands, and Holland are just crying.

Naturalised Wales heroes Hal Robson-Kanu and Ashley Williams are said to have legal experts working on legitimate ways they can leave the Welsh squad and start playing for England again.

It is understood that Big Sam won’t allow the England job to interfere with his ‘How to be a brilliant manager’ seminars, which he holds weekly for Arsene Wenger, Jose Mourinho, and Pep Guardiola.

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