Tuesday 19 July 2016 by Davywavy

Owners warned not to leave goths in a locked car during hot weather


Goths, trapped in cars

Reports published today warn that a goth left in a locked car can have the radio retuned to Kerrang! within twenty minutes, with owners running the risk of having to listen to endless repeats of Disturbed and Black Veil Brides all the way home if they aren’t careful.

“And as it’s hot, you’ll have the windows open and everyone will hear and think it’s you,” the report goes on to caution.

Goths, with their dark pelt and loveable call of ‘Argh! The daystar!’, make a popular household pet, but they are susceptible to hot weather and it is recommended to leave them in a dark place with plenty of fluids – preferably a pub serving cider and black – during the summer.

Goths can be further protected from direct sunlight by not asking them to do anything around the house, and instead taping tinfoil to the windows and replacing their bed with a myriad of large, plush cushions for them to curl up in until Autumn.

Simon Williams of the People’s Dispensary for Mopey Goths told us that goths should avoid the direct sun as the slightest hint of sunburn can completely ruin their image for weeks.

“You might think all that makeup would help matters, but thanks to the sheer volumes of hairspray used there’s a genuine risk of spontaneous combustion during hot weather,” he told us.

“Then there’s the risk of the makeup starting to run from the heat, which sounds pretty cool until you realise it can take hours to get that perfect ‘I haven’t taken hours’ look.”

However, with sufficient care,  attention and liberal applications of patchouli oil, your goth can survive the summer and flourish into godawful poetry about mist, moss-coated ruined castles and lost love in about November.

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