Tuesday 19 July 2016 by Neil Tollfree

MPs vote to renew small penis compensation system


Trident, renewed, small penis

The Commons has backed the renewal of the Trident small penis compensation system by 472 votes to 117.

The vote means that Britain will spend £31bn to make a number of quite powerful men with tiny genitals feel a bit better about themselves.

Defence Secretary Michael Fallon told MPs that the Trident nuclear threat would ‘make adversaries across the globe think that we’ve all got huge cocks, which is excellent’.

Labour was split on the issue, with many of its MPs confident enough with their penises to think that £31bn might be better spent on 900 new schools or 90 new hospitals.

Some MPs spoke out before the vote.

“The most efficient economic use of this £31bn would be to build loads of new hospitals,” said SNP MP Mhairi Black

“Because then we’d have the facilities to treat all these men with tiny penis syndrome and have loads of new hospitals.”

The public, however, was divided over the vote.

“I’m actually quite in favour of Trident,” said Simon Williams, who drives a Ford Mondeo, is a ‘businessman’ and presumably has a complex about his penis.

“Just knowing it’s out there, it makes me feel powerful, like I’m a big man, and that’s good.”

In other news, the small earthquake in North London last night turned out to be vibrations caused by the body of Sigmund Freud spinning rapidly in its grave.

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