Sunday 17 July 2016 Neil Tollfree

Pokemon Go: a NewsThump guide


Pokemon Go

Pokemon Go is proving to be the biggest craze in the UK since deely-boppers or voting Labour but, let’s face it, the world of Jigglypuffs and Pokestops can be a confusing one and so we present the NewsThump guide to Pokemon Go.

1, What is a Pokemon?

Quite simply, Pokemon are tiny horses that eat crisps and smell faintly of disappointment.

2, How do you catch a Pokemon?

You will need the following;

  • A bag of quavers
  • The blood and excrement of a recently slaughtered Pokemon
  • An enormous hammer

When you are in the presence of a Pokemon, your smartphone will begin to melt and this is your signal to begin the hunt.

Firstly, empty the bag of quavers onto the floor as bait to tempt the Pokemon into the open.

Next, remove all your clothes and disguise your natural odour by smearing the Pokemon blood and excrement all over your body.

When the Pokemon appears and begins eating the quavers shout the traditional Pokemon hunters cry of ‘fucking die you total shitter.’

Beat the Pokemon to death with your massive hammer.

3, Notable pokemon.

You will encounter many Pokemon on your travels, here are a few of the most interesting;

Pikachu

The most famous of them all; small, yellow, racist and addicted to Internet pornography.

JigglyPuff

A tiny brown Pokemon; speaks Spanish, very friendly, catastrophically flatulent.

Cunty

Sexually rapacious, this Pokemon can be found at 42 Lime Crescent, Bridlington. He supports UKIP and counts Bono amongst his ex-lovers.

The Duke of Edinburgh

A powerful Pokemon, capable of killing a grown man and will often do so for fun. Can only be calmed with the music of Chubby Checker.

4, Have fun!

Pokemon Go is all about having fun, so get outside and start playing with your pokeballs because, after all, everything else in the world has gone to complete shit.

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