Thursday 14 July 2016 by Neil Tollfree

Labour leadership to be decided by rap battle


Labour leadership via rap battle

In a break from tradition, the Labour party are to choose their new leader through the medium of rap battle.

“The Labour party has long been both fresh and def,” said Labour National Executive Treasurer Diana Holland.

“As such, we will be abandoning the traditional method of voting for a new leader in favour of a rap battle between Ms Eagle, Mr Corbyn, Mr Smith and any other contenders.”

The rap battle is expected to use the traditional rules. A neutral DJ drops the beat and the Leadership contenders will improvise some fierce rhymes that both big the contender up and diss his or her opponents.

The DJ is to be decided, but the shortlist is understood to be DJ Khaled, Funkmaster Flex, or Liberal Democrat leader Tim Farron.

There had been concerns that this form of leadership contest favour’s Angela Eagle who, famously, was in popular 1980s rappers Salt-n-Pepa.

However, insiders have revealed that Jeremy Corbyn’s mad rhyming skills are off the chain, as evidenced by his recent address to the National Union of Teachers which began – ‘I’m rappin’ Jez C, and I’m here to say, I’m the rappingest leftie in the whole UK’.

The battle will take place on August 31st at 02 Academy Islington and is expected to attract literally no audience at all.

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