Tuesday 12 July 2016 by Lucas Wilde

Drunken David Cameron ends final cabinet meeting with mass brawl


David Cameron

David Cameron has concluded his final meeting with a rant, followed by fist-fights with anyone within punching distance.

The shiny one stood up toward the end of the meeting, vodka bottle in hand, and declared “none of you have ever been anything more than a severe disappointment to me, the people or her majesty the queen.”

Taking a swig, the Prime Minister continued “you’re all dead to me, and I’d just as soon shit on your faces as look at you, especially Boris, you big blonde arsehole.”

Tory whip, Simon Williams, said “then Dave threw the bottle against the wall, shouted “it’s on like Et-ON!” and punched George Osborne square in the mouth.

“Everyone leapt in to separate them, and it all kicked off; Theresa May stuck one on Michael Gove, which was brilliant, and Boris came away with a piece of glass protruding from his skull.

“It’s been an unusually violent cabinet meeting, but one in which everyone managed to clear the air. Even if that air was filled with blood and screaming for a solid ten minutes.”

Jeremy Corbyn attempted a similar rumble in his own shadow cabinet meeting, but had to make do by hitting himself in the face with a brick.

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