Monday 11 July 2016 by Lucas Wilde

“I’m quitting because you were mean” says spiteful little twat


Andrea Leadsom

Andrea Leadsom has done a Lexit and fucked off out the door.

The contender for the PM’s seat has dropped out from the race due to overwhelming amounts of criticism which, while vociferous, have been entirely accurate.

“Andrea was appalled to be described as a nasty person, while demonstrably being a nasty person by highlighting someone’s inability to have children,” confirmed Tory spokesperson, Simon Williams.

“She assumed that the media were a soft and cuddly bunch who would be all too willing to leave out the mean and poisonous aspects of her personality and instead portray her as Florence Nightingale in a pantsuit.

“She is devastated to find out that she was wrong, and will be resigning with immediate effect. I hope you’re all proud of yourselves, you factually accurate pack of shits.”

Journalist, Elizabeth King, said, “I’m almost sure this wasn’t really our fault, but I feel a swell of pride in my chest nonetheless.

“It feels a bit like that scene in the Wizard of Oz where everyone reckons Dorothy has killed off the witch, but she didn’t really.

“We’re Dorothy, and Leadsom is the witch, by the way. I know it’s a subtle metaphor.”

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