Thursday 7 July 2016 by Gary Stanton

Secret of young-looking skin is to not start any wars, experts claim


Tony Blair Chilcot report

Scientists have discovered you can look young well into your sixties by not unleashing untold bloodshed in the Middle East.

As the latest public appearance from Tony Blair revealed he looks more haggard than asexual, octogenarian Cliff Richard, boffins found a link between peaceful outcomes and great-looking skin.

Anti-ageing expert, Simon Williams, said, “Lying in bed at night thinking about the number of innocent civilians you have murdered can make you look exceptionally tired around the eyes.

“The fact that Cliff did categorically not fuck any kids, either with his penis or with precision-guided cluster bombs, has taken years off him.

“Similarly, footage of Adolf Hitler in The Downfall (Director’s Cut) prove that fighting a war on two fronts can lead to bad posture and the jitters.”

Williams says his findings are backed by Saddam Hussein, who after systematically gassing the Kurds, declared that anti-wrinkle creams are bollocks.

When Williams asked people to guess the age of prominent leaders from their photos, those with a legacy of hatred and destruction were rated consistently older than their non-violent counterparts.

He added, “An anti-ageing cream with a youth-enhancing nanosphere complex will be fuck all use unless accompanied by a second UN resolution.

“Just like Tony and George, these wrinkles will be with you, whatever.

“You’re worth it.”

There are currently witterings below - why not add your own?

Previous post:

Next post: