Thursday 7 July 2016 by Lucas Wilde

Conservatives leave the women to clear up


Andrea Leadsom and Theresa May

Two women have been left to clear up a Tory mess while the boys go for pints.

Andrea Leadsom and Theresa May are the only women left in contention for the leadership of the party which has left an awful lot of clutter lying around.

“Well someone best clean this up,” sighed May, pulling on a pair of blue marigolds and setting about the British economy with a bottle of fairy liquid.

“You crack on, love, I’ll just get started in the living trying to dissipate the nation’s rocketing sense of racial tension thanks to a referendum result I helped to achieve, butter-fingers that I am,” declared a chirpy Andrea Leadsom.

The mood from the pub was boisterous.

“It’s a bit cheeky really, most of this mess was my fault,” guffawed a cock-faced Michael Gove as he gingerly sipped on a creme de menthe.

“Still, it’s marvellous having some women around to clean up the house. Useful little blighters!”

Liam Fox said, “I offered to help clean up, but everyone just laughed and told me to fuck off, so I’ve come here for a diet coke.”

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