Wednesday 6 July 2016 by Neil Tollfree

Terrible shits deciding who is the most terrible shit


Conservative leadership contest

A large collection of terrible shits are currently trying to decide who is the most terrible shit of them all.

The process began with five terrible shits; the homophobe with the paedophile beard and the disgraced corrupt one are no longer in the running, leaving the anti-human rights one, the backstabbing liar, and the Thatchery one who bloody loves fracking.

“It’s certainly a tricky one,” said Berkshire stockbroker and terrible shit Simon Williams.

“I am a little concerned that we might rush into something and not pick a genuinely terrible shit.

“I mean, we’ve just had six years of a goon with a laminated face who liked the gays.

“Yes, on the one hand we’re now officially an isolationist island of racist xenophobes because of him, but there was always a little too much of the let’s-all-be-nice-to-each-other-and-not-burn-the-homeless-for-fuel about him for my taste.”

Mr Williams found himself most concerned about the Thatchery one.

“Yes, on the face of it; good stuff! Looks like Nanny, hates the gays, loves a dangerously unproven technology, not keen on Muslims and foreigners. Just the sort of thing we like.

“But we don’t really know enough about her. I mean, for all I know she might like trees or might not want to see all single mothers sent to the workhouse.

“It’s going to take some consideration, that’s for sure.”

It is expected that the majority of terrible shits will ultimately choose the anti-human rights one because she makes them all go ‘funny in their trousers.’

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