Tuesday 5 July 2016 by Gary Stanton

Vacant UKIP leader job to be taken by self-loathing immigrant at half the cost


New UKIP leader to be self-loathing immigrant who'll do job at half the price

The recently vacated position of UKIP leader is to be filled by a self-loathing migrant who’ll do the job a lot cheaper.

Hours after Nigel Farage quit his job, UKIP’s headquarters advertised for a proactive xenophobe with a full, clean driving licence who thrives under pressure.

The successful applicant was 47-year-old Pole, Radek Kepler, who insists he has no right to be in this country.

Kepler, a builder by trade, has been wrestling with self-esteem issues since entering the UK and wouldn’t want his family moving in next door to himself.

The Krakow-born migrant was surprised to be offered the job after turning up late for the interview because the M4 was clogged with foreigners.

Although UKIP would have preferred a white, heterosexual Briton for the role, none of the five British applicants wanted to get their hands dirty.

Kepler said, “Constantly stirring up racial hatred requires a lot of time and effort and British racists are just too lazy.”

Last night Kepler pledged his support to any Tory leader who sends him back to where he came from.

He added, “Only yesterday I stopped myself in the street and told myself to pack my bags.”

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