Monday 4 July 2016 by Lucas Wilde

Dreadful c*nt to stop c*nting


Nigel Farage has resigned

Nigel Farage is to cease c*nting with immediate effect.

The UKIP leader and face of the utterly catastrophic and devastating “Leave” campaign has concluded his work is complete, now that the country is in a complete and utter mess.

“A job well done,” beamed Farage, between victory sips from a pint of bastard ale.

“Nobody knows what’s happening, foreigners are living in fear of travelling on public transport and nobody is being reasonable toward anyone who thinks differently from them.

“It’s the Britain I’ve always worked for and, now that it is here, I feel there is nothing left for me to do.

“I guess it’s back home to get drunk, smoke an absolutely enormous amount of cigarettes and binge-watch those Roy Chubby Brown DVDs I got for Christmas.”

Leave voter, Simon Williams, said “It would be nice if he’d stick around to help out, I mean this was his idea, and it was a BRILLIANT one, but everything feels like it’s burning down around us at the moment, which wasn’t quite the vision.

“But then I suppose it was entirely plausible he would just run away, what with being a gigantic, thundering c*nt.”

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