Friday 1 July 2016 by Spacey

Average UK wage increases by 3% after Ibrahimovic signs Man Utd deal


Zlatan Ibrahimovic

UK workers have been given a major boost after it was revealed that Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s weekly wage at Manchester United will increase the average national salary by 3%.

The 34-year-old, who was out of contract after four years at Paris St-Germain, has signed a one-year deal worth over £200,000 a week, and revealed he was looking forward to having fans unveiled to him shortly.

“I didn’t sign the contract, the contract signed me,” he said.

“I have no idea what that means.”

People’s racist and scapegoat enthusiast Nigel Farage hailed the news as proof that the UK economy will flourish outside of the EU.

“Average British wages have already gone up 3% and it’s only been a week since the people of the UK – not including Scotland and Northern Ireland – voted to leave the EU,” he said.

“We’ve got your country back!”

Decent, hardworking taxpayer Simon Williams was also buoyed by the average salary increase.

“The income of the very wealthiest may seem excessive, but if you combine it with the whole UK workforce and then average it out then we’re all quids in.

“We really should be more grateful to our wealth creators.”

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