Thursday 30 June 2016 by Neil Tollfree

Satirists can’t f*cking type quick enough


Man laptop, newsthump,

Satirists have issued a plea for politicians to stop being such a massive collection of half-headed cock-bongos, as a combination of RSI and worn out keyboards mean that they can’t type quick enough to keep up with the almost hourly bouts of catastrophic bellendery from Westminster.

“Seriously, this has got to stop,” said Simon Williams, an over-privileged, smart-arsed purveyor of left-wing bias thinly disguised as satire.

“I bash out one piece of 6th-form snarkiness about Tories, or Brexiters, or Nigel Farage doing something appalling, and I’ve barely got enough time for a sip of craft ale with my smug, beardy, pseudo-intellectual liberal cronies before they go and do something else appalling, and I’ve got to start all over again.

“And that’s not even including the handful of anti-Jeremy Corbyn pieces I’m contractually obliged to do to give the illusion of ‘balance’.”

Mr Williams, who writes for the second most popular Onion knock-off website in Britain claimed to have a plan to draw attention to his plight.

“I’ll do one of those smarmy, self-referential pieces about how difficult it is for satirists to keep up with everything.

“That’ll make me look both ironic and self-deprecating.

“Maybe then I’ll finally get a girlfriend.”

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