Thursday 30 June 2016 by Lucas Wilde

Boris Johnson performs live Coxit


Boris Johnson performs Coxit

Boris Johnson has exited the Conservative leadership race.

Following Brexit, the blonde-haired child decided it was best to run away from the fire he started rather than stick around and help put it out.

“Best for all,” said Johnson as he sprinted toward a waiting taxi.

“Everybody seems to be jolly cross with everyone else at the moment and it’s just not a very nice place to exist, let alone take charge of.

“Let Gove have a go, that’s bound to be extremely funny if nothing else.

“I’ve done the Brexit, now I’m doing the Coxit. I’m consistent at least.”

Mr. Johnson leaves behind a wide-open leadership race which resembles the menu in most NHS hospitals.

“I keep thinking I really don’t want Theresa May to be in charge. She puts me in mind of a haunted headmistress,” considered voter, Elizabeth King.

“But then I’m reminded that the alternatives are either Michael Gove or some homophobe I’ve never heard of, which makes May sound vaguely palatable.

“What a time to be alive.”

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