Wednesday 29 June 2016 by Neil Tollfree

Heterosexual Pride Day gives solace to millions of oppressed straight people


Heterosexual Pride Day

Straight people around the globe who have been cruelly victimised for their ‘sexual orientation to persons of the opposite sex’ are calling for a dedicated Heterosexual Pride Day via the hashtag #HeterosexualPrideDay.

“It’s about time,” said leaf turner and totally straight person Simon Williams.

“I mean, the gays have that day where they can go about in spangley waistcoats and policemen can propose to their partners and they can drown out all the shouts of ‘f**king faggots’ with deafening disco music.

“So, as a heterosexual man, I demand a special day where I can wear boring jumpers, listen to Coldplay, and be sexually repressed.”

It is understood that #HeterosexualPrideDay began trending earlier today after a straight man accidentally clicked on a report of a local Gay Pride march, and after staring intently at healthy-looking men in various states of undress for several hours, decided that it was oppression that was making him feel all hot and bothered.

“I’m sick of people oppressing me for being straight,” continued Mr Williams.

“Why, it was only twelve years ago that an effeminate looking man went ‘nice jumper’ at me.

“Or, it might have been a lady, I don’t know, I was quite drunk.”

There have also been similar calls for ‘Breathing in and out day,’ ‘Eating food day,’ and ‘Being a terrible bigot day’.

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