Sunday 26 June 2016 by Neil Tollfree

Everything much better now


Neil Tollfree

Reports are coming in from across the country suggesting that since the vote to leave the EU, everything has got much, much better.

“It’s about the control mainly,” said Simon Williams, a lid tightener from Glossop.

“We’ve taken all this control back, and I, for one, bloody love it; the control, I mean. I’ve just spent the weekend just sitting around trying to decide what I’m going to do with all this control we’ve taken back.

“It’s brilliant.”

Some reported that they were already enjoying the lack of interference from Europe.

“Yeah, because, right, I voted out because I don’t want the French telling me what to do,” said a lady who couldn’t remember her own name.

“It’s worked too, because, right, since Friday morning there has been literally no French person who has told me what to do.

“So, they can f**k right off with their baguettes and that.”

Others, however, were taking more practical steps.

Eleanor Gay, a lettuce moistener from Hartlepool, has knocked down her garage and plans to knock down her conservatory after lunch.

“Well, I voted out to strengthen our borders, and I’m not sure of the technical details, but I reckon they’re going to need loads of bricks, so I thought I’d donate some.”

Although everything is definitely better now, experts are suggesting everything will be even better in a few years when everyone has a brand new hospital at the bottom of their road and literally no-one is unemployed because no one has come over here and took their jobs.

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