Friday 24 June 2016 by Tommy Charles

Turkeys vote for Christmas


Turkeys vote for Christmas

The Turkey population of Great Britain has voted in favour of Christmas in a referendum held yesterday.

In an unprecedented historical event, millions of turkeys flocked to the polling booth to register their support for the Christian festival whereby they are traditionally slaughtered en masse.

“In my opinion, it’s political correctness gone mad in this country,” said Terence Martin, a Turkey from Kent.

“This is a Christian country and our traditional values are being eroded by other cultures. It’s about taking back control.

“As long as I’m not halal butchered, I am firmly in favour of Christmas,” he added.

Some have criticised the campaign for Christmas for being dishonest, having claimed that each turkey would receive a cash bonus in the new year, but the focus will surely be on the failures of the opposing campaign.

Jeremy Gobblyn, a key figure of the anti-Christmas movement said: “I ran out of ways to explain ‘you will all be fucked’ using demonstrable facts, and so I must bear some responsibility for the result for not getting that message across.”

The leader of the Christmas Union of Native Turkeys, Simon Williams said, “As a butcher, I am naturally delighted with the results.”

“I can’t wait to carve them up and serve them to my customers.”

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