Thursday 23 June 2016 by Tommy Charles

Highly trained secret agents set to work rubbing out crosses on ballot papers


Polling station conspiracy theory

Huge teams of highly trained MI5 agents have begun the process of amending EU Referendum ballot papers at secret locations across the country.

Armed with state-of-the-art pencil erasers, the spies will systematically remove pencil-drawn crosses before carefully drawing a second cross in the opposing box.

An unnamed source told us, “They have trained years for this and only the best of the best make it through the rigorous training and vetting programme in order to work for the secret service.

“Many have signed up and trained specifically for this purpose, while others are veterans of previous elections. The operation is expected to run very smoothly.”

It is believed that to have a decisive impact on the vote, around 5,000 operatives have been assigned to the mission, each hoping to squeeze in at least 1,000 ‘fixes’ before anyone notices that large chunks of votes have gone missing.

Among their ranks are combat specialists, technical geniuses and masters of espionage, many of whom will have faced mortal danger in their line of work, but this is likely to rank among their most daunting and vital work to date.

Given the large number of people involved in this operation, it is unsurprising that news of the mission has leaked, and this is unlikely to go down well with the general public and Westminster establishment alike.

While global terrorism remains a threat, secret service top brass have decided that rigging the vote should be their priority, with MI5 offices ‘virtually empty’ as staff are posted to polling stations across the country.

The source continued, “The view at the top is if a couple of hundred people get obliterated, that’s just fewer votes that need to change.”

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