Tuesday 21 June 2016 by Shaun Stevenson

Lucky England shirt binned after failing to do its job


Man throws out lucky shirt

An England fan has ceremonially binned his lucky shirt after England failed to beat Slovakia and top their group last night.

“I just don’t understand it,” baffled England fan Simon Williams tells us, with his unleashed furry beer belly, wobbling proudly before him.

“I wore that England shirt for all ten qualifying games against competition as rock-fucking-hard as Slovenia, Estonia and even San-fucking-Marino – and we won every single time!

“So I realised then I had something pretty special.

“I mean OK, turned out the lucky shirt didn’t do the business when I was being interviewed for a job, but to be fair I always reasoned that must have been because the luck only worked on a football team playing hundreds of miles away and being viewed on a telly.

“Also, I’m not sure that the interviewers understood the need for four pints of lager beforehand to make the shirt’s powers as effective as possible.

“Dicks.”

When it was suggested that perhaps England’s draw had more to do with Roy Hodgson fucking around too much with his squad selection, coupled with a Slovakian defence that was harder to break down than humanity’s impulse towards superstitious bolleckery, Mr Williams laughed.

“Don’t be fucking daft,” he said. “Ten games, ten wins, one shirt. You can’t tell me that was just a coincidence.

“Nah, the luck must have just run out that’s all. Unless…” the colour drains from Mr Williams’ face.

“Unless we would have been booted out of the tournament altogether if I hadn’t been wearing my shirt.”

Mr Williams runs to retrieve it, but the bin lorry rumbles away and disappears around the corner.

Mr Williams sinks to his knees. “Oh no!” he wails. “What have I done!”

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