Thursday 16 June 2016

Man who’s been out of the UK for a while confesses to not having any idea who most of the England squad are


England Football team

With UEFA Euro 2016 well under way, Roy Hodgson’s choice of players for England’s national team is being called into question for many, many reasons.

However, while those of us at home may be raising interesting points about why Jamie Vardy wasn’t brought on in the match against Russia, our expats around the world are experiencing entirely different issues with the players wearing the three lions on their shirts in France this summer.

Out of Touch

Simon Williams, a former taxi driver who lives in Marbella, Spain but hails originally from Margate, explains his confusion:

“I used to follow the football quite passionately, but truth be told, since I’ve been here I’ve lost touch a bit.

“You can buy a British newspaper here, but it’s a two day old copy of the Daily Mail and it costs about as much as a pitcher of sangria so I can’t say that I’ve ever bothered.

“I used to watch the Premiership here but then it went all weird after Fergie retired and I eventually knocked the Sky Sports subscription on the head.

“Still, I was looking forward to the Euros, especially since I now have the option to support Spain if England are terrible because my daughter married a Spanish lad over here so I’m practically one of them.”

Who on Earth is Marcus Rashford?

“You can’t rely on England to be any good, but I did at least think you could rely on them to be people you’d heard of – I mean, time was I could even tell you which ones I wouldn’t trust around the missus.

“So you can imagine how I felt when that line-up appeared on the pitch. I mean what’s a Dele Alli? I knew Rooney of course, and that Sterling kid with all the illegitimate children from Liverpool – only he’s not at Liverpool anymore according to the wife.

“Joe Hart I could recognise but I tell you, he’s aged. Cahill, yes, and then there was that Jack Wilshere lad from Arsenal who I actually thought was dead, but the rest of them?”

When told that the average age of the team who faced Russia was 25, Williams looked confused.

“Rooney’s about that age now though, isn’t he?”

Emasculated

An even worse problem than being unable to pick Ross Barkley out of a police line-up if his life depended on it has befallen Mr Williams too.

Because his wife likes to spend siesta time playing bingo on the UK’s biggest online casino provider – William Hill Vegas, she’s been kept far more in tune with England’s sports news by chatting to other players who also like to place football bets.

“When that bloke – Dier I think his name was – went to take that free kick, Helen pipes up that he’s been good for Tottenham. It was horribly emasculating. I was just wondering why it wasn’t Frank Lampard.”

“He plays for New York City FC now,” Simon’s wife Helen interjected, hammering home the point.

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