Tuesday 14 June 2016 by Dan Sweryt

Qatar makes it illegal to be murdered


Qatar

The country of Qatar has introduced a bill declaring it illegal to be murdered, along with various other categories of crimes of victimhood.

In particular, being murdered carries the mandatory penalty of a death sentence.

Qatari Secretary of State for Miscreancy, Simon Al-Williams, said, “Of course any victims should be punished severely for being an utterly wishy-washy pushover.

“I mean, who in their right mind gets murdered nowadays? They’re frankly a bit bonkers.

“Being raped, correctly gets you seven years in prison, whilst having something stolen will result in a punishment of us taking all your stuff off you and beating you up for being a massive whuss.

“This, after all, is progressive society here in Qatar, with its governmental policies of bribery, corruption, slavery and rape being the four pillars on which this great country is built.

After speaking to a translator, we established that ‘great’ also means ‘twattish’.

Al-Williams continued, “Just think: when all those English hooligans come over here for the World Cup and batter the shit out of everyone, they will get our equivalent of the George Cross and a harem of virgins to rape.

“Don’t worry, they deserve it as they have committed the heinous crime of being women born into society who don’t have a translation for ‘Human Rights Act’.”

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