Saturday 11 June 2016 by Shaun Stevenson

Queen wondering if she’s saved enough money to retire yet


Queen no plans to retire

As the Queen celebrates yet another birthday, palace insiders have revealed that the monarch is fretting about whether she will ever save enough money to retire on.

Senior footman and top eavesdropper Simon Williams, 42, has reported overhearing the Queen swear a string of expletives at a spreadsheet showing she was still some way off achieving her retirement targets.

Mr Williams shrugs when asked about it.

“Usually, I have to press a glass to the door to hear all the really juicy stuff, like Her Majesty’s real views on England’s chances in Euro 2016.

“But on this occasion the Queen was bellowing so loudly I reckon most of the palace heard her.

“I think her exact words were, ‘£340 million quid. Is that fucking all? Shit, fuck, hairy, sweaty monkey bollocks. I need half a billion at least. I don’t want to spend my last years living like a sodding peasant’.

“So Her Majesty’s just like the rest of us really,” Mr Williams adds. “Working longer, for less money and as foul-mouthed as a pirate with Tourettes.

“And of course, the Queen wants to leave something behind for her kids like the rest of us too.

“But at the moment, other than a few hundred million, a couple of palaces, the Crown estate and the constitutional monarchy of the United Kingdom and what’s left of the Commonwealth, she’s got bugger all to hand down.

“So you can see why she’s feeling the need to carry on working.

“Can’t you? Can’t you?”

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