Thursday 9 June 2016 by Lucas Wilde

Rapists worldwide desperately searching for their 500m swimming certificates


Rapist quite good at swimmer

Sex offenders the world over are keen to prove how good they are at swimming.

The sudden rummage for 100m front crawl certificates comes after Stamford student, Brock Turner, was given a mere six-month jail sentence for raping a woman due to the special fucking snowflake being privileged to shit and a bit good at swimming.

“I can’t do much about the privilege” admitted convicted rapist, Simon Williams.

“But I’m sure I remember my mum saying I was pretty good at the breaststroke in my early teens; which is ironic bearing in mind the nature of my current custodial sentence.

“I’ve instructed my mother to go and have a good root around in the loft until she finds a swimming trophy or, failing that, go and find a rusty one from a boot sale that we can fob off in front of the judge.

“I’m down to serve fourteen years at the moment but the proof that I can traverse quickly through water should help counter the fact that I secretly plied a woman with date rape drugs before sexually assaulting her in a friend’s flat.

“Looking at this precedent it could whittle it down to eight months, I reckon.”

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