Tuesday 7 June 2016 by Shaun Stevenson

After prosecutors fail to act, Batman agrees to avenge Harambe


Batman Harambe vigilante

After prosecutors decided not to charge the mother of a child who fell into a gorilla pen, Gotham City’s caped crusader has announced his intention to intervene on behalf of dead gorilla, Harambe.

Prosecutors claimed the mother had no case to answer for the piffling reason that there was “bugger all she could do about it.”

From his top-secret lair deep below Wayne Mansion, social avenger Batman released the following statement via the batfeed.

“Speaking for vigilantes everywhere, being able to act impulsively with anger, fuck all facts and next to no real understanding of a situation’s context, is obviously the absolutely best route to achieving balanced justice.

“Parents should keep their children 100% free from danger at all times. For example, they should not take them into dark alleys in the rough part of town, where gun-toting muggers might be hiding.

“Clearly the most responsible thing parents can do, is keep their children chained up in their bedrooms at all times, watched 24/7 and only allowed out to pee.

“Then all children would be absolutely safe. I can’t imagine anyone having a problem with this solution.”

However sensible chap Simon Williams said, “Yeah, sometimes shit things happens. But there’s no reason to act like a dick about it.

“Maybe if those complaining could give a small donation to a gorilla conservation project instead, think how many more of these magnificent animals could be saved – and allowed to roam in their natural habitat to boot!

“Like that always moaning Bruce Wayne git for example. I hear he could probably spare a few quid.”

When asked precisely what action he intends to take, Batman looked surprised.

“Why I’ll troll away on Twitter for a few minutes before getting bored and finding something else to get mindlessly and disproportionately angry at.

“Isn’t that what all the good vigilantes are doing these days?”

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