Monday 6 June 2016 by Neil Tollfree

Parisians stockpile wine, berets, and smelly cheese as river levels rise


paris flooding

The people of Paris are preparing for further potentially devastating floods by moving stockpiles of essentials such as high-quality wine, berets, smelly cheeses, snails, and moustache wax to higher ground.

“Naturally, I am concerned,” said Monsieur Simon Williams, a French bureaucrat enjoying a pastis outside a café.

“As a Parisian, the thought of having to drink poor-quality wine or appear in public without my beret is simply unthinkable.”

It is currently a race against time to prevent floodwaters destroying essentials, with Parisians only breaking from the task two or three times an hour to drink wine, smoking insanely strong cigarettes and look disdainfully at people not from Paris.

There have even been some reports of some Parisian men not breaking from their task to flirt with attractive women as they pass by.

However, it is expected that Sienne will not reach the levels of the infamous 1792 flood that caused city-wide shortages of breakfast pastries and strings of onions and led to a revolution that saw the end of the French monarchy.

The high level of concern in the French capital was best summed up by an old man shrugging and turning away muttering ‘putain de anglias’ as he pushed his bike into the rain.

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