Friday 3 June 2016 by Neil Tollfree

Northerners successfully rebrand intrusive over-familiarity as ‘friendliness’


Northerner friendly

After a long campaign, the North of England has finally been successful in rebranding their intrusive over-familiarity as ‘friendliness’.

“Essentially, we’re a right pack of nosey bastards,” said flat cap model and High Priest of the North Simon Williams.

“We see a stranger then it’s inherent in us that we walk up to them and ask them about that mole on their face or tell them their shoes look shit.

“Problem was that it were getting a lot of Northerners punched in the face, so we decided to keep telling everyone that ‘we’re a friendly lot in the North’ – until they stopped punching us.”

As it has now been over a year since the last punching, the North have declared the rebrand a complete success.

The achievement comes after a largely failed attempt to rebrand the intrusive over-familiarity as ‘plain-speaking’.

“Aye, that were a disaster,” continued Mr Williams.

“It just led to some of the worst types saying all sorts of racist things and passing it off as plain-speaking, which were never the intention at all.

“This works out fine, we get to ask if someone’s piles are playing them up when they walk funny and everyone else gets to think we’re just being friendly.”

It is understood that the South’s attempt to rebrand truculent stand-offishness as ‘being cool’ still has a way to go.

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