Friday 3 June 2016 by Neil Tollfree

England Supporters Band to be humanely destroyed


England supporters band to be humanely destroyed

As part of England’s final preparations for the Euros, the England Supporters Band are to be destroyed as humanely as possible.

The England Supporters Band are a small brass band who play a wonky version of the theme from the Great Escape until everyone starts crying.

“I think we’re fantastically prepared on the pitch,” lied England manager Roy Hodgson.

“But it’s important that we do what we can to bolster morale, and I can’t think of a better way to improve the morale of both the players and supporters than the total destruction of those brass bastards and their shoddy, shitty, tuneless dirge masquerading as music.”

England fans were largely supportive of the destruction of the band.

“Yeah, I sat a couple of rows down from them once,” said fan Simon Williams, a haunted look crossing his face at the memory.

“They started playing the Great Escape at the start and then didn’t stop. By half-time, it was like I was staring into a black abyss of existential horror.

“I don’t remember what happened next, but police found me walking alongside the North-Circular with no pants on just crying.

“Apparently, I had similar levels of psychological trauma to that of a combat veteran.”

It is understood that to further improve morale, Roy Hodgson is also seeking the destruction of people who wear crappy half-and-half scarves, Mark Lawrenson, and that fat bloke in the pub with his top off shouting racist insults at any football match that happens onto the television.

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