Thursday 2 June 2016 by Shaun Stevenson

Nutjob street preacher realises he’s coming across as a total tit


Street Preacher has moment of self-realisation

A bible-bashing mouth-foamer has had a moment of clarity in which he realised what an utter tit he looks like when booming nonsense at passers-by in the street.

Vastly experienced nutjob street preacher Simon Williams, 42, was stood on his box in Manchester when the incident happened.

“I’d just polished off a really impressive piece of yelling about condoms being Hell’s party balloons – during which I’d hardly leaked any spit at all – when it suddenly hit me.

“I thought ‘hold on, what if the people laughing aren’t hellbound fuckheads sent by Satan to distract me. What if I’m actually just making a total, farting arse of myself?’

“Then the questions just kept coming. I wondered whether a being capable of designing crazy old quantum mechanics, would really give a shit if people used their jolly wibbly bits without having an arbitrary marriage ritual first?

“And as for sending them to an eternity of torment for doing so. Well, wouldn’t that just make such a being an unreasonable, narky prude?”

However, Simon’s fellow preacher Sarah Lott was quick to respond.

“Simon has made the – thankfully rare – mistake, of believing an ability to critically evaluate evidence and reach independent conclusions is a good thing.

“Whereas it’s obviously the foul work of LUCIFER himself.

“We will pray for Simon. Admittedly, we’ve prayed for a lot of things that haven’t come true yet, like the end of the world, death to all homosexuals and a new fridge for Margaret Richards, who totally deserves it after knitting that cardigan as a raffle prize.

“But I’m confident this time God will listen and Simon will soon be back on his box, doing his best to look ridiculous for Jesus.”

But Simon shuddered when this was reported back to him.

“Fuck that,” he said. “I’m going to the pub, and then I’m going to see if I can’t get laid.

“I’ve even bought myself a jumbo-sized pack of Hell’s party balloons just in case.”

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