Tuesday 31 May 2016

I should have put my election pledges on a beer mat, admits Ed Miliband


Ed Miliband election pledges on beer mats

Former Labour leader Ed Miliband has admitted that things could have been very different if he’d put his key election pledges on a quarter of a million beer mats instead of carving them into a granite slab.

After spending a year being relentlessly reminded of his pledge stone by absolutely everyone he meets, Miliband has told sources that he could be sitting in Downing Street right now if he’d only gone for the beer mat angle, instead.

“The pledges themselves weren’t the problem, it was the medium – not the message,” Miliband told our source.

“I should have realised it sooner, people don’t want grand gestures to illustrate political ideas, they want political ideas forced down their throats in bite-sized chunks while they’re enjoying a pint of cheap lager. It makes so much sense to me now.

“Of course a giant stone tablet wasn’t going to work; you can’t put your pint on a giant stone tablet. You can’t take a giant stone tablet to happy hour.

“And Christ, the beer mats would have been so much cheaper.

“Let’s just add it to the list shall we, we’ll call it election regret number 379.”

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