Thursday 26 May 2016 by Avani Black

Bigots to watch gay Captain America with their backs firmly against the wall


Captain America is gay

Religious nuts Homophobes For Christ (H4C) have declared that since Twitter made Captain America gay, they will only watch Marvel films with their backs against the wall.

H4C were horrified when they heard that Twitter’s #GiveCaptainAmericaABoyfriend campaign had made Captain America gay for his best friend Bucky Barnes.

Whilst they’re not prepared to boycott Marvel, because their films are just too exciting, they do have a solution; A special cinema in Arizona where viewers can stand with their backs against the wall for the duration of the film.

“With this new fandangled 3D malarkey, you never know what’s going to jump out of the screen,” says Roger Butts, who watched Captain America Civil War at the H4C cinema yesterday.

“Going in, I was worried about the film. I wanted straight-up superheroes, but what if it was something gay, like a bunch of men prancing around in skin-tight lycra?”

To Butts’ relief, Cap was the same character he knew and respected. “There wasn’t a ball-gag, limp wrist or leather G-string in sight. For a moment, I began to think that maybe gays were just normal people. But, then I remembered they’re evil because they don’t have sex with women.”

As for whether he shipped Stucky or Stony, Butts said he’d like to ship all gays out the country.

Except for Captain America, because he wants to see what happens in Avengers 3: Infinity War.

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