Monday 23 May 2016 by Shaun Stevenson

Monday ‘best day of the week’ insists twat


Monday is the best day insists twat

A boss who is considered by all of his employees to be a complete and utter twat has today confirmed he thinks Monday is the best day of the week.

Simon Williams, who is a smugly young 32 and knows it, runs a company responsible for doing something brain-achingly dull to do with portfolios.

“I relish the challenges of the new week ahead,” he says in a nasal monotone, reminiscent of a Terminator having its head compacted in industrial machinery.

“When I wake up on a Monday, I punch the air and shout; ‘Spreadsheets. Trends. Bum-numbing meetings about nothing at all!’.”

Then Mr Williams’ voice lowers.

“Besides, I fucking hate the weekend. Two days, two whole sodding days and the only thing I get to scream at is the plant in my living room, and since that never looks like it’s going to burst into tears or punch me in the face, honestly, what’s the point?

“One weekend I tried being a massive arsehole to a cold caller who got me to download some rubbish software after my computer got a virus.

“But they just put the phone down on me and half an hour later my bank called to say my accounts had been emptied. So that didn’t work out so well.”

One of Mr Williams’ employees who has asked to be named only as Miss Tree, partly to protect her identity and partly because she wrongly thinks it’s dead cool, has this to say.

“Simon is a twat. It’s the nicest thing I can think of to say about him.

“He even wears ‘Boss’ aftershave as if to make some kind of point. I mean what kind of dickhole do you have to be to do that?”

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