In a ground-breaking piece of research published today, cardiologists have announced revolutionary findings that beans are good for the heart.
And the good news went further, explaining that the more beans you get through, the more shatteringly potent the benefits – the better you feel, in other words.
Dr Simon Williams and his team first got a whiff of the breakthrough when they were investigating the cardiac properties of several foodstuffs, including beans, pickled eggs, reheated onion bhajis and All-Bran.
“I’ve always had a passing interest in the properties of beans,” Williams explained.
“So this research was a ripping opportunity for me to ventilate my theories.
“Now people have got wind of the benefits of beans I’m hoping things will really take off.
“Our official advice is that you should really give serious consideration to eating beans for every meal.”
Dr Williams’ wife is filing for divorce.