Thursday 19 May 2016

Dante to create tenth circle of Hell just for Greggs toilets


Greggs toilets

The toilets inside Greggs Bakers will be about as horrific as you can possibly imagine, according to forecasts today.

The courts have ruled that any Greggs with seating must offer customer toilets, in a move that has surprised anyone capable of picturing what that will actually be like.

Consumer expert Simon Williams told us, “Forcing Greggs to provide a toilet, is like forcing your local portaloo to sell sandwiches.

“It’ll be like a McDonald’s toilet, but with all the glamour and sophistication removed.

“I would literally rather take a shit in the street than use a toilet inside a Greggs.

“In fact, just about the only think that could worsen the Greggs experience is the faint waft of human excrement coming a from a toilet used by someone whose diet consists mostly of  99p sausage rolls.”

Though dead for nearly 700 years, Dante told us, “I always thought nine circles of Hell worked perfectly well for the narrative I wanted to create.

“Until I saw the news this morning about Greggs providing toilets.

“Suddenly being consumed by a boiling river of blood and fire doesn’t sound quite so bad, not when compared to pooping in a place that created the Steak Bake.”

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