Tuesday 17 May 2016 by Neil Tollfree

Use authoritative tones against armed terrorists, May tells rural police


Countryside police terrorism

Home Secretary Theresa May has responded to rural police’s fears of unpreparedness in the wake of a terrorist attack by advising them to use authoritative tones and adopt a commanding stance.

“I have listened to the words of John Apter,” said Ms May.

“And let me say that I understand his concerns that officers in rural areas may be called on to defend themselves against highly trained armed terrorists with nothing more than a smart uniform and a truncheon.

“But I would remind him that these officers are British. These terrorists are foreigners. If history has taught us anything, it’s that your average foreigner will capitulate immediately in the wake of the strident, authoritative tones of a commanding British chap.”

Ms May then went on to give more detailed instructions.

“Firstly, remember that the terrorist may not speak English so it is important to shout quite loudly for them to understand.

“Then use the following simple phrase – ‘You there, in the name of God, the Queen, and England, cease and desist your ghastly, bolshie, insurrectionism and return forthwith to whichever Godless desert hellhole that you hail from’.

“In most cases, this should put an end to any terrorist nonsense.

“If it doesn’t, well then, you could always try throwing your truncheon at them.”

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