Tuesday 17 May 2016 by Shaun Stevenson

The One Ring ‘not that precious’ claims Cash4Gold


One Ring

Cash4Gold, have shocked Middle Earth by claiming that a supposedly ‘precious’ magical, golden ring contains very little actual gold.

The One Ring’s current owner, hobbit Frodo Baggins, was understood to be furious with the firm’s recent offer of just £2.50 for the family heirloom.

The ring, which Frodo’s uncle Bilbo acquired on an adventure he had after smoking something unexpected at a party, has long been claimed to have magical powers.

However, no one has ever actually seen these ‘powers’ in use.

But Cash4Gold spokes dwarf, Simon son of William son of Gunn, was unrepentant at the valuation offered by his firm.

“I’ve seen more gold after panning the dirt in my washing up bowl,” he laughed. “Fuck knows what this ring was made from. Some weird alloy.

“Gold’s quite soft, but this bastard ring blunted a fair few of my tools. So precious gold? I don’t fucking think so mate.”

However, events took a more sinister turn after a strange-looking creature with webbed hands, showed up at Cash4Gold demanding the ring be given to him.

“To be honest, we reckon it was Frodo’s gardener in a Halloween costume,” Simon shrugged.

“The mad as druggy bunnies act was impressive, but calling the ring ‘my precious’ made it dead obvious they’re part of the same gang.”

“At first, we thought it was some twisted stunt to make us think the ring was worth more, as everyone knows Frodo’s on the bones of his arse after Bilbo squandered the family fortune.

“But afterwards, we found jewels had been pinched and Frodo and his bastard gardener had hot-footed it from the Shire. Pretty bloody suspicious, if you ask me.

“Anyway, we’ve hired some people to go after them.”

“It’s a riddle and we’re in the dark,” confirmed the elite private detectives, known as the Nazgul. “But we will find the hobbits and in the darkness bind them.

“Then we’ll return Cash4Gold’s property, except the One Ring, which our boss wants as a… souvenir.”

There are currently witterings below - why not add your own?

Previous post:

Next post: