Monday 16 May 2016 by Shaun Stevenson

World superpower throws dummy out of pram after not winning silly singing contest


Vladimir Putin on Eurovision

A world superpower is throwing a major wobbler, after not winning a singing competition famed for being a bit daft.

Russia has been whinging that it was robbed after Ukraine sauntered to victory, leaving Russia to trail in third behind another country that is not even in Europe.

“It is outrageous that we did not win,” stropped Russian spokesperson Semyon Illiamanov, wiping the froth from his lips.

“I know our song was no better than any of the other blaring earaches of the night, but we had these really cool special effects.

“Also, we’re much scarier than everyone else, and that’s gotta count for something right?

“It is a great pity that that nice Sepp Blatter cannot be instated as the Head of Eurovision now he’s retired from running international football. He is a sensible man open to many persuasions to ensure Russia wins.”

British Eurovision superfan Jimmy Francis expressed surprise at the extremity of Russia’s tantrum.

“Blimey,” he said, “If this is how they whinge at coming third, Christ knows what they’d do if they got as badly trounced as the UK do every year.

“Probably leave half of Europe as a smouldering, radioactive wasteland or something.

“Actually, now I think of it, maybe that’s why they scored as highly as they did.”

But Russia dismissed suggestions that its over-reaction was making it look like a tit.

“As we have not won, next year perhaps we will not play,” Illiamanov sulked.

“Perhaps we will boycott the competition instead.”

However, Ukraine which will now host next year’s Eurovision, appeared quite relaxed at this prospect.

“It will make a nice change for us,” a Ukrainian official said. “Usually we have the problem that Russia tends to barge in noisily and without invitation, and then they do not leave even when asked quite pointedly.

“So refusing to come when they have been invited? I think we will cope quite well with that.”

There are currently witterings below - why not add your own?

Previous post:

Next post: