Monday 16 May 2016 by Lucas Wilde

International Space Station chaos as vegan cracks open the Lentils


ISS lentils

Something has been ruined by a vegan yet again.

Vegan/astronaut Simon Williams, 38, snuck a bag of lentils on board the International Space Station in the hope of making everyone’s dinner a little more awful.

“And now they’re literally everywhere,” said fellow astronaut, Elizabeth King.

“I saw him opening them and I leapt toward him screaming ‘Noooo!’ like off of a film.

“Now they’re clogging up the instruments, they’re trapped in the air filter, and every once in a while there’s a sharp sensation in the back of my throat as I realise I’ve inhaled one of the fuckers.

“I don’t know what he was thinking. All of our food comes in little packets for a reason; it’s not like we’ve got a pan and a hob up here.”

Williams said, “I just thought everyone might enjoy a tasty vegan alternative, that’s all. Not my fault you’re all so close-minded.

“I mean I’m a vegan and I’m just as normal as you, bearing in mind we attach ourselves to massive fireworks for a living.”

It is thought the crew will take around 48 hours to find and dispose of all the lentils; roughly the same amount of time it takes an average person to eat a bowlful.

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