Friday 13 May 2016 by Shaun Stephenson

Everton fans rejoice at prospect of new manager to blame for being rubbish


Everton fan happy at prospect of new scapegoat

Everton fans have described themselves as ‘being over the fucking moon’, as they look forward to being able to blame a new manager for mediocre performances next season.

“I keep pinching myself in case it’s all just some wonderful dream,” sobbed crotchety blues fan Simon Williams, 58, wiping a sniffly nose with his Everton shirt.

“We’ve been letting other teams with more money to spend on better players score too many goals, whilst our less expensive and not as talented players haven’t scored as many. And we all know what that means!

“That manager Roberto Martinez is solely to blame for our utter mediocre-ness, and that absolutely everything that went wrong with our season was entirely his fault.

“Apart from those meanie referee decisions, obviously.

“But at last the rubbish craphead has gone and next year we’ll have a spanking new scapegoat to have a go at. Sorry, I mean manager.

“I haven’t been this happy since heading to Wembley a few weeks ago after clever old Martinez got us closer to winning a real life actual trophy than we had been in years.

“No, wait, hang on a sec. I mean since that useless bastard Martinez got us closer to winning a trophy…

“No wait… Shit… Er… Er… Oh fuck it. You know what I mean.”

When asked who he thought should manage Everton next, Mr Williams smiled dreamily.

“Someone brilliant obviously,” he said. “Someone totally out of our league who we’ll never be able to afford unless we sell all the players we have – well, those who don’t get confused about the right direction to kick the ball in.

“Actually, that really wouldn’t be a winning strategy now I think about it.”

“Wow,” Mr Williams said, his eyes lighting up, “Imagine how much misguided blame and abuse we can hurl at the newbie then!

“It’ll be like Christmas every match day!”

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