Thursday 12 May 2016 by Davywavy and H

Tattoo seeks Russell Brand removal


Russell Brand tattoo

A tattoo announced today that it is seeking the removal of Russell Brand.

“We’ve all done things we regret,” explained the tattoo. “I’m not going to make excuses. Basically, I was young and stupid.”

The tattoo went on. “I’d gone out with some other tattoos on a stag do. By the end of the evening I’d had ten pints of lager, a vindaloo, three double absinthes and a few of those drinks with a coffee bean that they set on fire.

“Anyhow, after that, we went by a Russell Brand parlour and it seemed like a great idea to get this Russell Brand done on my arse. I thought that would be really, you know, meta-contextual and ironic.

“Plus, all the other tattoos thought it would be hilarious,” added the tattoo.

“They all egged me on to do it.”

But the tattoo now regrets the decision.

“You grow up, don’t you,” the tattoo said ruefully. “What it comes down to is, I don’t want to look in a mirror every day for the rest of my life and see this Russell Brand. It’s just childish and it’s just embarrassing.”

And the tattoo admitted that the Russell Brand “reminds me of part of my life I’m not proud of.”

Harley Street doctor Simon Williams said the tattoo’s request was not unusual, he told us, “We get a lot of tattoos coming in here asking for a Russell Brand to be removed,” he said.

“My advice? If you’re a tattoo, don’t get a Russell Brand. It’s not big and it’s not clever.”

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