Tuesday 10 May 2016 by Liam Barlow

Optimists devastated to learn that everything doesn’t happen for a reason


Nothing happens for a reason

Optimists everywhere have been left reeling from the news that some of their misfortunes might actually be their own fault.

The news broke late last night, when Dr Clarence Oberon, a clichéd sayings sceptic at Columbia University, had a random thought: that most people have been talking bollocks.

He said, “It just occurred to me…what the Christ are people talking about?!

“I’ve been studying the merits of this way of life for the best part of my career and to realise that it’s all bullshit is even disappointing to me, and I was trying to disprove it.”

Naturally, fans of clichés are suspicious of the sceptic’s theory, questioning where the theory came from and whether or not it has also, rather fittingly, happened for a reason.

Everyday responsibility avoiders are remaining resolute, however, with one such charlatan, Greg Bacon, even setting up a helpline and support group for those affected by this revelation.

“It’s going to be difficult at first but I urge all those who believe in blind fate, to see this as a test.

“If anyone is struggling to cope, they should contact me or come along to one of our support groups. I’m absolutely positive that you’ll know how to get in contact; after all, everything happens for a reason.”

Dr Oberon will now continue his research into clichéd sayings, focussing his efforts on: There’s plenty more fish in the sea and When God opens a door, he closes a window, and will publish his findings whenever he is struck by another bleeding obvious stroke of reality.

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