Tuesday 10 May 2016 by Shaun Stevenson

God confesses: Religion, not my best idea to be honest


God apologies for religion

The Lord God, the most high, majestic creator of Heaven and Earth and all that jazz has admitted his invention of religion was ‘just plain stupid’.

God looked decidedly shamefaced when he unexpectedly manifested on the One Show last night, to apologise.

“Yeah, religion,” God said. “Bit of a cock up there, I fancy. Sorry about that.

“Thought it was about time I said it. Y’know, before there are any more, um, ‘incidents’.”

“It was just one of those things. I was young and kinda needy. I’d created the starry vastness of the universe out of primordial firmament, and I just wanted someone to pat me on the back and say, ‘good job God. Nice one. Thanks’.

“Can’t say I thought all the details out properly. Y’know all the murdering, raping, wars and stuff. I just assumed you’d know I was kidding when I included exhortations to do that sort of shit in my books.

“Bit irresponsible of me actually, now I come to think of it.

“My bad.”

Religious leaders across the world have reacted with dismay to the news.

“Does this mean it’s unethical for me to own a whole country now?” the Pope is understood to have wailed.

However, atheists everywhere were confused by the revelations.

“Well obviously we agree with God’s position on this,” said staunch non-believer Simon Williams.

“Religion is clearly a fucking awful cancer in the bone marrow of rational society.

“It’s just we don’t quite know how to react to the fact that it’s God actually saying it.

“It’s like waking on Christmas morning to find a tubby git treading soot into the carpet and shovelling a crusty turd into a sock. It’s literally as bad as that.”

Meanwhile, God has confirmed he has a number of other things to apologise for.

“F’rinstance, all that joke evidence that the universe is really billions of years old,” he grinned sheepishly.

“Whoops. Didn’t think that one through either did I?”

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