Friday 6 May 2016 by Davywavy

We’ll stick with the pig guy, thanks, confirm voters


Cameron local elections

Given a straight choice between a genuine socialist and a man who fucked a pig, voters have confirmed they’ll stick with the pig guy, all things considered.

Jeremy Corbyn’s newer, kinder politics with a focus on command economics failed to make noticeable gains in local elections, which is pretty good going mid-term against an unpopular, pork-bothering government.

Supporters of Jeremy Corbyn are reported to be dumbfounded that their election strategy of noisy public ideological purity contests and incessant social media hectoring failed to swing the country behind them.

“It defies comprehension,” said Labour voter and Momentum member Simon Williams.

“Obviously I’m nicer, cleverer and just all-round better than other people, but telling them that pretty much non-stop since last August doesn’t appear to have attracted the votes.

“Someone suggested to me that socialism is so fundamentally flawed that people actually consider necrophilic bestiality preferable, but I don’t buy that for an instant.”

Describing it as ‘inexplicable’ that a barrage of insults on Twitter should have failed to have changed voting intentions, Simon went on to blame a hostile media, vote rigging, the utter stupidity of others and pretty much everything else except his own behaviour for the failure to make gains, before pledging to redouble his efforts.

Asked if he would consider compromising his views to attract voters, Williams responded, “No fucking way. Who do these ‘voters’ think they are? I’m right and they’re wrong and that’s that.”

In a statement, Prime Minister David Cameron politely thanked everyone who had voted for his party and said he would work tirelessly to convince those who did not.

“I’m sorry you weren’t convinced, but I hope all the good, kind, intelligent, honest people who didn’t support me, this time, will reconsider in future,” he said.

“Thank you for voting, even if it wasn’t for me, as a healthy democracy of ideas and courteous disagreement is essential for good government.”

“Oink.”

“Sorry, miles away for a second there.” he added.

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